Brandon “Irons” Goldthwaite
Currently Drumming and Touring with Orlando's Hottest Country Band, Hayfire.
Never Give Up What You Love, It Makes You Who You Are.
Yes...I am a drummer. I have been playing since I was 12 years old. I have played in Concert Bands, Marching Bands, Award Winning Drum & Bugle Corps., Rock Bands, and currently recording and touring with one of the hottest Country Bands on the rise, Hayfire, and Rock band, Vertigo Down - both are out of Orlando, FL.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel shopping malls on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning Broadway Musicals, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike drum playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil.
Using only a pair of Drumsticks and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass trombone, I was scouted by the Jets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my neighbor's yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after biking 5 miles, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive tons of fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the backstage passes. Last summer I toured California with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Italy, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact pottery. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only an egg beater and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played The Phantom, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.